LANCE AND HIS RECURRING VANISHING PANTS DREAM One night, Lance had a horrible nightmare, the worst he'd ever had. In his dream, he got out of bed in the morning as he always did. He dressed and had his regular breakfast--grape juice and gummy flakes--as he always did. Then he kissed his mother good-bye, grabbed his lunch and walked to school. It all seemed very normal until he stepped into his classroom, and suddenly everyone turned to him, laughing and pointing. When he looked down, he realized what they were laughing at: He wasn't wearing any pants! That's when Lance woke up screaming. Afterwards, he was thankful that it was just a dream, but he still felt uneasy. And in school that day, he kept checking his pants, obsessively replaying the dream in his mind. In it, he definitely remembered choosing a pair of pants, but he couldn't recall putting them on. Had he forgotten to? Or had they vanished for no reason? This time, when Lance realized he wasn't wearing any pants, he stumbled out into the hall trying to run away. But everywhere he went, he saw people laughing and pointing. They all cried, "HEY, LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?!" And again, Lance woke up screaming. From then on, he had the same dream every night. He did everything he could think of to stop it: he tried forcing himself to stay awake, he even tried wearing pants to bed, but nothing helped. He grew exhausted, frightened, paranoid. All day at school, he would twitch nervously while eyeing the other children. Every time someone laughed, Lance would flinch, clutching his jeans, holding them tightly against his body. And all the time, the words haunted him--"LANCE! LANCE! WHERE'S YOUR PANTS?!" Finally, his mother decided to take him to a psychiatrist. Luckily, she'd heard that there was one nearby who specialized in this disorder. Lance felt embarrassed as he described his dream to the doctor. He kept expecting the doctor to suddenly point at him and break out laughing. But the doctor didn't laugh or point. He just listened, nodded and stroked his beard until Lance was finished. Then he said, "Lance, do you have any friends?" Lance looked down at his feet. "I don't really have time for that kind of thing," he replied. "I see," said the doctor. Then he wrote something in his book. "Lance," he continued, "in your dream, your pants represent a security blanket, protecting you from your classmates. Your fear that your pants will disappear is a fear of being exposed to their ridicule. You see, Lance, your real problem is not your dream. It is that you are socially awkward and extremely insecure. You are terrified of other children, and as long as this fear persists, you will continue to dream of losing your pants. I would recommend getting involved in an extracurricular activity--perhaps soccer." "What a wonderful idea!" said Lance's mother. Lance didn't agree. He thought it was ridiculous. What did playing soccer have to do with his pants disappearing? And besides, he'd had a bad experience trying out for the soccer team in the past. Lance argued vehemently against the idea. He pleaded and even threw a tantrum, but his mother wouldn't listen. The following day, she signed him up for the soccer team against his will. Lance arrived late to the first practice and, as he changed in the locker room, he desperately tried to think of how he could excuse himself. He mentally prepared a speech to the coach explaining his philosophy that sports should only be played by talented professionals. There was no room in the world for amateurs. They just waste everyone's time. Repeating these words to himself, Lance marched out onto the field. He approached the others, trying to stop himself from trembling. Suddenly, everyone grew silent. Then they all started laughing and pointing. Lance looked down. He wasn't wearing any shorts! He had been so preoccupied that he had forgotten to put them on. But as he stood there with no pants, surrounded by giggling children, he realized something surprising: it wasn't horrible at all. Actually, it was fun! Instead of screaming, Lance began laughing along with the others. When they chanted, "Lance! Lance! Where's your pants?!" he chanted along. "I AM LANCE! I HAVE NO PANTS!" And as the coach chased him around the field, he chanted even louder. It felt so good to be at school with no pants on! His dream wasn't a nightmare at all, but a fantastic premonition! A foreshadowing of the day that the whole world would applaud him and declare that he was the funniest boy ever!