Columbus, Columbia Style
by Tomas Clark,
NEW YORK CITY, October 9 -- Columbus Day is not a day off at Columbia University. The administration has officially decided to skip the national holiday. Professors will hold their lectures, just like always.
But this doesn't bode well for conservative youth of America. The insidious, anti-imperialistic forces of Ivy League political correctness are behind this! The College Republicans simply won't take this kind of abuse. They want and deserve to sleep in NOW. For these young patriots, Columbus is a symbol of (reverb, please) The American Way. His day must be defended.
The politically correct should listen to the wisdom of Rush Limbaugh, say the College Republicans. They should ignore all that nonsense about the religious intolerance and genocidal warfare of early Euromericans. But Limbaugh ideology just hasn't been popular on campus lately. So the time has come for the guardians of America to take matters into their own hands. The conservative youth will protest. Their secret weapon: the hamburger grill.
Hamburgers come from South America, and are eaten in North America. Columbus discovered America, and America is hamburgers. Thusly, a symbol of protest is born. In the face of a disapproving university, College Republicans will defiantly skip class to give out celebratory Columbus Day hamburgers on the neatly mown collegiate lawn.
But while the beef hisses on the grill, an opposing group of students begins to assemble--mostly suburban white kids (just like the Republicans). But these guys are acting rowdy, and they're not as neatly dressed (lots of flannel shirts). They even have a touch of ethnic diversity. They must be... (menacing chord progression, please) the liberals!--gathered to protest Columbus and his hamburgers.
The liberals see 1492 as the first chapter in a tale of sorrow (Columbus was a murderer and a slavemaster). The Young Republican types see it more as the first scene in the rollicking blockbuster of the movie that is the U.S. of A. (Columbus was a "great explorer" who "discovered America"). And never the twain shall meet.
The campus liberals: are they free-thinkers fighting for change? Or a mob of misguided students who've got nothing better to do than lash out against the motherland they should love? Whatever the case, these young liberals sure love a good protest rally. And today, they've got another excuse to rebel against something. They're ready to yell slogans. Some of them have even brought signs. And hey, it's a great excuse to skip class. Who cares if the administration is ignoring the holiday? Protesting means never having to listen to a lecture. Like Marlon Brando in The Wild One, when these young liberals are asked what they're rebelling against, the answer comes back "Whattaya got?" Isn't anti-fur day sometime next week?
Columbus or no Columbus, where does all this rebellious anger come from? Well, for the undergraduates of Columbia College, memories of suburban life can be rather painful: lawnmowers running day and night over endless miles of grass, parents hogging the leather sofa, the Mercedes blocking the BMW in the driveway. It's not easy growing up on the city's fringe.
And what of the Young Republicans? They're from the suburbs too. Are their motives innocent, nothing more than the desire to enjoy a chunk of beef on a sunny day? Considering the numerous signs these right-wingers have posted around campus (proudly "not printed on recycled paper"), one might think they're just trying to obnoxiously irritate and offend the liberals--to thumb their noses for the sake of nose-thumbing. The smell of beef fills the air. Countless undergraduate heads swivel as their keen nostrils pick up the scent. All thoughts of Native American genocide fade away with the lure of free, mass-murdered cow meat. A crowd gathers 'round the food... the conservatives grin and keep the grill hot.
Disgusted by their opponents' underhanded tactics, sign-waving liberal protesters attempt to dissuade the hungry mob from taking advantage of the no-cash lunch opportunity.
"Don't eat those racist burgers!" An indignant megaphone yell rolls over the crowd. The conservatives glance up, their eyes gleaming angrily... and all hell breaks loose. Young Republicans attempt to seize the barbecue-disrupting megaphone from their enemy's clutches. Liberals retaliate, yelling and screaming. Somebody gets punched in the face. The all-beef patties sizzle, unattended.
"Those hamburgers are red with the blood of Native Americans!" shouts another protester. The burgers are pretty rare.
The groups are brought to order by campus security and the two sides retreat to their corners, seething, as the lunchline forms again. Serious warfare is averted--for now. Students wolf down their burgers, belch, and go to class. But the battle could resume at any moment--one side armed with placards and ideology, the other with ketchup and mustard.
