Subject: Re: Having difficulties integrating Date: 6 Jan 1996 23:22:13 -0800



: Originally, there were 24 of us. By the 3rd week of November, : there 
were only 6 of us left. Then I had a seizure. Everyone inside : loss 
consciousness. The seizure occurred in a hospital. I went to : the 
hospital, because I knew I was going to have a seizure. Very : quickly, 
within 2 weeks, everyone who had integrated came "apart". : Now we are back 
to the original 24. I feel ready to integrate. : But every time 2 of the 
inside people begin to move us closer so we : would integrate, this 
physical body begins to twitch, as if I am have : a "small seizure".(?) : 
[...]


: I am not entirely sure what my question is. It is something like, "What 
am I doing wrong?" or "How can I maintain the people together,: once they 
have integrated?" or "Is there something I don't know, which : I need to 
know, so when we do integrate, it will hold?" or "Does any of this sound 
familiar, or, am I as usual, just being an oddball?"


Mike et al, I am part of a collective of over 44 people. We "don't do" 
integration but we have dozens of MP friends (dozens of bodies :-) so we're 
pretty familar with integration etc.


This is our view, take it or leave it: we feel integration is an 
inappropirate theraputic goal. Lots of people get pretty angry when we say 
that. Mostly singletons who think we're in denial and also hosts (and some 
others) of MP systems who like being "the main person" and like thinking of 
"the others" as "parts" (yeah, we hate hte "parts" word with a 
passion...can you tell?).


BUT, we think integration can be a good and wonderful thing. Wait a minute! 
didn't I just contradict myself?


Not really. As I said, I know a lot of multiples and I know a lot of 
multiples who have integrated to some extent. The ones who integrate on 
purpose (often, but not always, in therapy) are fairly likely to 
disintegrate and bounce back and forth. They are more likely to lose 
talents and maybe more in the integration process. It's this type of 
integration that terrifies us and many other MP's we know. It's the kind of 
integration that seems like "killing off alters" (though, of course, it 
rarely is done in that way or for that reason).


The sucessful integrations I've seen have been systems who integrate 
spontaneously. The integrations rarely involve all the alters (at least not 
at first) and are not forced. No one sits down and decides who should 
integrate with who and when. It just happens (note that there may be some 
internal decisions made by system manager types but I have never known 
someone this has happened to who has been able to articulate this).


Ask yourself (yourselves) *WHY* you are integrating. Is it because you 
really really want to or because it seems like the next step in therapy? Is 
it cause your therapist thinks it's best for you? Or because it's too hard 
to be MP (or too weird or too???). There are lots of good reasons to desire 
integration, but there are plenty of not-good ones too.


Ask yourselves what would happen if you couldn't integrate. How would you 
feel? How would you deal with it? Is it "okay?" Ask your therapist how s/he 
would deal with it if you decided not to keep trying. I'm not saying you 
should make these decision, but if the answers to these questions are 
things like "I will have to stop treating you" or "I couldn't deal with 
that" then that's a good indication that you are pushing for this for the 
wrong reasons.


The fact that you are seizing might be a coincidence but it's probably a 
message. Listen to it!!!!


My therapist that I started working with 2 years and 2 months ago (I was 
diagnosed 2 years and 1 month ago) used to be pro-integration in the sense 
that she didn't know any other way. I was her first (and for a long time, 
her only) MP client and she just assumed that integration was *the goal* 
and couldn't understand why I fought it. She no longer holds these views.


In response to her (and others') assumptions, we wrote a list of theraputic 
goals that did not include integration. It was mostly things like increased 
cooperation and communication (maybe it's time to repost this?). One of the 
items stated that any 2 or more alters who wished to integrate with each 
other could and no one would be forced to integrate with any other alter. 
We see the latter part as a fundimental right; no one could decide our 
being and identity for us, each must make the choice for her/himself.


Does it make sense now why I would say that I don't think integration is an 
appropriate theraputic goal? I think it's fine to desire it, even work 
towards the possibility, but to make it a goal negates the other goals of 
cooperative living and puts the focus on doing something that can't really 
be *done*.


If integration is the right thing for your system right now, I think it 
will just happen on its own accord. For many MP systems, integration is a 
sign of healing. For others, healing takes a different path. My 
choice...our choice is to focus on dealing with the abuse, not one of its 
symptoms. I am MP because of my abuse; for me, the MP is something to work 
with, not a problem to fix. By focusing on the abuse instead of 
integration, I am focusing not on unbecoming MP, but on healing. And isn't 
that the real goal?


You have my permission to share this with your therapist, but be cautioned 
that mine is quite a radical view.


Cyndi, Carrie, Debbie, others