I've always wondered just what it is that men 
     talk to each other about when they're alone.  
     Or if  men talk to each other when they're alone.
     
				Dying of Curiosity 
   							
   							
 						
Don't die yet!

I'll be glad to shed what light I can, based on my own research, on the
 enigma of male conversation. However, to bring some order to the
 dazzling multiplicity of topics men discuss, I will adopt as a methodological
 convenience a system of ranking various topics of guy talk according to the level of   alcoholic intoxication at which they are most likely to emerge.
 	Please bear in mind that this inventory of topics is merely provisional
  and far from comprehensive. One obvious lacuna is the absence of any
  sports-related subjects. Guy talk on such matters is ordinarily carried
  out in an esoteric code (involving retrospective evaluations of various
  "teams," prognostications on the future performances of said "teams,"
  and a bewildering array of verbal and nonverbal indicators that the discussants actually give a shit) that this researcher has not yet  managed to crack.


TOPICS OF GUY CONVERSATION 

 (Ranked by blood-alcohol content)


 1. LIGHT IMBIBEMENT OF ADULT REFRESHMENTS: 




 

 The erotic allure of the unattainable:  specifically, cartoon
   characters (Josie and the Pussycats, Natasha, Blondie, the mom in
   "The Family Circus," etc.) and fantastically expensive stereophonic
    components.

    

 
 Comparative merits of Curly vs. Shemp as role models in an age of
  absent fathers.

  
 Regressive, scatological humor (e.g., hillbilly jokes).



  
Jingoist, sexually insecure humor (e.g., Frenchman jokes).


  
Resentful, embittered humor (e.g., lawyer jokes).


  
CDs vs. vinyl records--efforts to settle this debate once and for all.


  
 What do women see in ______________?  (Fill in name of loathed
 colleague or celebrity.)

   
  
Do rock and roll musicians ever actually experience sexual rejection?


  
Brief nominations of ones potentially ugly enough to qualify,
 leading to depressing consensus: Probably not.


 
  Miscellaneous implements of the Good Life: motorcycles, cars, fishing
  rods, skyscrapers, cigars, bayonets, blimps, fire hoses, power
 drills, pepperonis, hero sandwiches, high speed semi-automatic assault
  weapons, tallboy beer cans, Slim Jims, etc.
 

 
 Comparative female anatomy.


 
 
 
 
 

     2. MODERATE ALCOHOL IMPAIRMENT: 


    Humorous discourse recycled verbatim from TV shows, comedy routines,
 etc., previously witnessed by discussants,  motivated by erroneous
 presumption on part of speakers that retaining and repeating said discourse
 confers status.
 
 Identification of egregious dickwads among discussants' ostensible
 friends.


  The most beer ever consumed by discussants.


 The worst beer ever consumed by discussants.


 Missed, wasted, or bumbled opportunities for sexual contact.


 An anonymous woman glimpsed by one discussant from a moving automobile
 in another state five years previously and still the object of
 tearfully confessed marriage aspirations (discussion shifting to monologue
 for duration of this topic).


 
 Amusing anecdotes involving boyish, deliberate annoyance of
 discussants' current or, more likely, past relationship partners.


 The Supermodel Debate:  Shallow as they seem?  Or concealing hidden depths?




  Briefs vs. boxers: Implications for comfort, appearance, sperm count.



 Is "going commando" a viable third way?

 Circumcision: pros and cons (discussion leading directly to next
 topic).


  Castration: cons 


  The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (I): Terrors presumably evoked
 in those other males unfortunate enough to experience it.


  Advanced Comparative Female Anatomy.


 
 

     3. HIGH TOXICITY: 



 
 
Amusing anecdotes involving betrayal of excess intestinal gases or
 ill-maintained personal hygiene.

Heterodox urination targets or objectives.

The Spectre of Male Sexual Dysfunction (II): True Confessions.


Primitive Comparative Female Anatomy.

How the guys at this goddamn table are the greatest fuckin' guys in
 the whole fuckin' world.